A couple of years ago, I almost lost everything. I lost my job and my home. My relationship ended. With that I lost “my” car, “my” status, “my” power, “my” source of money, “my” source of love and appreciation. I was as empty as someone can be. It was a very dark and painful period. But… it was so dark and so painful that it didn’t hurt at all! From there, the only way was up. The “little” I had left became so important, and so relevant and valuable. I had nothing to lose!
With that feeling I was able to gather enough courage to start following my real dream. I was able to change my life completely. Now, my dream is my daily work. Now, every action I take is full of meaning, both for me and for the people I work with. Now, I was able to step above the writers block and write my manifesto.
When I look back at those days of pure emptiness and profound fear I remember the words of Mark Twain: “I’m an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened”.
I decided to start my own business and give myself a break with the “looking for” Mr. Right. It was quite a daring thing to leave corporate life and start my own business in a very competitive arena. Would I make money? Would I be able to sell anything? It was quite daring to stop looking for Mr. Right. Would my partner exist? Would he find me?
Now I am living the dream. All happened. I have a thriving business and the perfect partner.
What was that gift that those days of fear gave me? I believe that fear itself was the gift. Being in the condition that I feared so much was so empowering, because, you know, it was not that bad! It was so empowering because your focus changes and you start valuing things that you previously believed were obvious. You start valuing things that you previously took for granted. You start seeing your strengths, your friends, your family, your skills… You start seeing your really valuable possessions.
You don’t need to lose it all to feel invincible. 
You can have the experience in your mind. You can write your worst case scenarios. Do this exercise. Write in excruciating detail
- What would happen if you continue in this path of sameness: what would happen with you if you do not change anything
- What would happen if you choose for following your dream: what would happen if you take bold steps towards a new life
Contrasting both scenarios, you can see where your heart is. The worst case scenario of following your dream is always less dramatic than the scenario of sameness. That is where your heart is. This exercise will help you to realize that you can actually cope with the temporary discomfort that getting out of your comfort zone will imply. This temporary discomfort is always accompanied with many gems: helpers, discovery of your strengths, “miracles” and more.
You know what you want. You don’t need to define your goal or your dream in detail. That you know. What you need to do is to embrace your fears, with every single detail. When you talk to them, when you listen to them, they will stop screaming at you. You will be in peace. You will be invincible.
Embracing the fear is the key to open that door we all are longing for to open, to become that person deep inside we all want to be (and who we already are). But if somebody thinks this is an easy road, to embrace your fear, to let go of what you all know and is familiar, I still find it the hardest thing I have ever done in live. My history? Four years ago, after a difficult period at my last job, I left with a (pretty) good deal. From than my life change started (but still under pretty save conditions, still got my house, got my car, same city, same friends, payment every month, first still a salary, than unemployment money), For two years the road was only up, I felt alive, discovered many new things, some many new impulses. One of the things was a holiday to Jordan in 2007. From the first moment I knew I wanted to live there. So I did go back in 2008 for a second holiday, same feeling. Finally in 2009 I was ready to make the move, but I got sick (what turned out to be a chronically disease).
First I thought this just happened right out of the blue, but looking back, as connected I felt in the two years before, the more and more disconnected I started to feel when I got involved in a toxic relationship. It is too easy to blame it all on the guy, it was me who made the choice to stick in it too. It only lasted for 6 months. But ever since (over 2 years now) I haven’t been “myself”, the energetic, active, open minded me, where new thing come too, without any effort. No since than it is, as if everything I try or touch, breaks, door closed, wrong path etc.
Two weeks before I got ill, in that relationship (what wasn’t an actual relationship, but I don’t know how else to call it), something very emotional happened to me, what made the earth under my feet move, the foundation crack and I fell through. Since than I feel like being on the run for something. And whatever I am trying to do, nothing seems to be working. I know what the answer is, embrace the fear, but still until know, letting go feels like drowning, so I keep on holding on to an empty vessel.
It’s not like I have been doing nothing, I took me about a year to recover, but than I start to realise my dream and stayed for three months in Jordan. For one or the other reason, I managed to get involved with another toxic guy (that exactly why I think I can’t blame them, since I seem to choose them). Wanting me, but also not wanting me. What triggers my old believe “I am not good enough”. Also I recognize the pattern, if something does not feel ok, makes me unhappy, empty or whatever, instead of running away from it, I keep on hanging on to it, until now. Sigh, live is not always easy.
In April 2011 I returned to Jordan, and since than I feel being on drift. Going without direction, almost immediately after I returned I saw “my man” here of last year, in a small group, him being all over another girl (where I was sitting next too), same emotional shock as two years ago, same result a flare up of my chronically disease. I’ve tried to deal with it, express my feelings, but unfortunately nothing seems to “solve” the problem. And I know why, it are all actions to get away from it, instead of embracing it.
I also have the feeling I already lost or am losing everything, I sold my car, still have my house in the Netherlands but feels more like an heavy thing on shoulders than a benefit, have no job, no income at the moment, and until two days ago, also no idea what to do during the day. Extremely board, extremely lost in this new country. For the first time, I have thought of giving up and returning to my old life in the Netherlands, not that this will happen, but that’s how it feels at the moment. Two days ago I started with an intensive course Arabic for about 7 weeks. Finally I have made one step of necessary things I need to do if I want to stay here. But again, also not the relieve of the fear slipping of my shoulders. Still there is that blockage in my upper stomach and I have a headache every day.
I tend to keep on running away for my feeling of fear, fear of the new things, fear of not knowing, it’s above all the fear of having no idea how to get a job here (or another way to get an income), I don’t know what to do, where to start. It’s easy to find a job, it’s easy to make new friends (read find people to spend time with), but (yes always the but), I know the way I am now, the energy I am in now, I will end up in a job that I hate, people I feel no connecting with, it’s another solution for escaping the fear.
And on top of that, I had applied for a job here where when I saw the job and what the requirements were, I was the perfect candidate for. I’ve spent a lot of time in upgrading my CV and writing the letter (but in a disconnected energy) and what do you think, not even invited for an interview, even though I did meet all the requirement (and above that I know the country and the city). I was so disappointed, again that old pattern “I am not good enough) is triggered and I feel worthless.
Reading this message of Blanca where I am reacting on now, makes my realise before I can move forward, one or the other way, I have to embrace my fear, give myself a break and above all focus on those things I do want. And stop fighting reality.
Quite often when you read life stories of people living their dream following their heart (expect for Blanca), I almost never read about the struggle, only the ups never the downs. It’s not like I am willing to give up, well yes actually I am, not giving up and go back to my house in Holland and restart my life there, but giving up trying so hard. One of the reasons I started my Arabic course, was to be able to show at the job interview how hard I was working on my Arabic and what do you think I have been doing the last couple of days?? Driving myself crazy with my Arabic. Lessons and homework homework homework. One thing that crossed my mind, well now at least I can slow down with my Arabic and do it in my own speed (read be a bit more relaxed about it).
But just being here with everything just the way it is en enjoy it that is the most difficult part of being in Jordan at the moment.
Just needed to share this and couldn’t thing of a better place than Blanca’s homepage.
Wow! Harma! Thank you so much for sharing this with us! This gives me so much inspiration to be even more open about my downs and my doubts. Those are what creates contrast in our life. AND that’s what makes life so amazing!
Blessings! B
that is also what I like about your page and the whole thing you are doing, you are guiding is, where to look for freedom, inspiration and living the life we are all meant to live. I start to realize that moving (unprepared) to another country is much more difficult than I thought. The last weeks I was keep on blaming myself, I should have done this more, do that more, failed at this, failed at that, how stupid could I be thinking this would work etc. This is the fear part and the voice from the past convincing me that I am not good enough. But I also realized, it’s only a feeling and only a voice. Do not ignore it, to not try to hide it, just give it space, let it talk and feel it. Nothing more, nothing less, it’s just a way of coping with a difficult situation, my old form surviving strategy. Stupid thing is, just letting it be is the easiest thing you can imagine, you don’t have to do a thing and on the other side the most difficult one, because it feels scary and we are so used (what parents, teachers, couches, not you Blanca, employers, friends tell us) we should do something, become active, solve it. And of course what we are telling our selves. But that is the whole problem, there is nothing solve. Just explore it, let it be, look around in it, feel it and it will get solved by itself.
This always does remind me of an expression of Einstein, don’t know how it exactly goes, the state of mind that has created the problem, will never solve it.
And quit often the state of mind is the problem and we keep on trying to solve with the same state of mind, so we are biting our tale. Running around in circles. I am very good at this. Control is my enemy, I want to control things, if things get to much, my control mechanism takes over, blocking the real me, creativity, inspiration anything. What do I do, instead of taking a break or listen to what this control thing has to tell me….trying to get rid of this control, by controlling it…..yes biting my own tail again, sigh….
You almost never find any answer for any problem in your head, always in your gut, whatever the question or problem is. Also leaving things for a while to a “higher authority”, god, Allah, Universe, Jesus whatever you like to call it (for me all these words are expressions for the same power/energy where we all are connected to) is a great way to get things that get stuck moving again.
And that is the process I am in the middle of, the more you fight it (what I am doing now), the more of a battle it is, the more you face yourself, the more you can leave it, the easier it gets. But stil how do I get there.
I think I found an idea today for my blog, things that I write her maybe that’s a good idea for a blog.
Cool stuff, Harma!
(it took me a while to reply as I was ill!)
I like what you say about preparation and getting it wrong. In my books, you are always prepare for what happens and you never get it wrong. All All All is in Divine Perfect Order. What we judge to be “bad”, “wrong”, delayed… is also in Divine Perfect Order. See yourself with the eyes of the Divine. You are perfect. You too are in Divine Perfection.
Cool stuff, Harma!
(it took me a while to reply as I was ill!)
I like what you say about preparation and getting it wrong. In my books, you are always prepare for what happens and you never get it wrong. All All All is in Divine Perfect Order. What we judge to be “bad”, “wrong”, delayed… is also in Divine Perfect Order. See yourself with the eyes of the Divine. You are perfect. You too are in Divine Perfection.